I feel like my life is about to become a Richard Curtis film, and not ‘Love, Actually’, though I really do hope and dream that one day I will get to fall hopelessly in love like that. No, I’m currently being cast in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ and I am watching everyone around me getting coupled up and engaged.
Two couples I know popped the question in December and are now planning 2015 weddings. On hearing the news, I automatically exclaimed ‘Congratulations!’, but, to me, it didn’t sound too convincing. The subtext of ‘I hate that you’re happy’ seemed to be deafening, but the other party seemed way too happy to notice (I hope).
Maybe it’s not Four Weddings, maybe I’m a little more Bridget Jones where I’m very much in the place where I’ll be a singleton for life. Sometimes I drink a little too much, I watch stupid TV shows and films, and am generally very self involved. I love my single, unattached life. I spell single F-R-E-E-D-O-M. But when I’m sat on my couch watching Sherlock and look to my left and right and realise just how alone I am, I start to spell single L-O-N-E-L-Y. Then I think of all my coupled up friends, and I resent my single life a little bit more.
You see, I started writing this blog as an open attack on couples, but I’ve quickly realised that it’s not them that’s the problem. It’s me. The horrible old adage ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is overwhelmingly and disappointingly fitting for how I really feel. I’ve recently started adding the word ‘envy’ to things. I’ve always had food envy; I go to a restaurant with someone and I order something that sounds awesome, but as soon as our food arrives, I instantly wish I’d ordered what they’re having. Well, I guess I’m getting relationship envy.
It’s a case of the grass is always greener. I have no idea, but I always picture 12 Grimmauld Place from Harry Potter when I use that phrase. Maybe it’s that Sirius always wanted out of that place even when it was what was best for him. Perhaps that’s how I should see my single life: as the place that is best for me for now, and since Sirius leaving Grimmauld Place before he should have done ended in his untimely (and deeply upsetting) demise, perhaps I should take heed.
I’m irritating myself with how this narrative is going… I’ve got so totally off track. Two 2015 weddings to look forward to, stories of people being set up with their friends friends, tales of having so many admirers that my friends are literally turning them away… Maybe there was something in the water over Christmas. Maybe this is how 2014 is going to continue, but in my ‘Bah! Humbug!’ way, I really hope it doesn’t. I can’t fake ‘Congratulations!’ convincingly for too much longer.