So a few of my friends were really worried about me a few weeks ago. Well, about a month ago. I’ll be honest, I was worried about myself. It became clear that what I was experiencing was some form of depression.
It was horrible, I couldn’t wake up with out crying buckets of tears and being permanently paranoid that no one liked me, which was just compounded by my introverting into myself and “forgetting how to be social” (I couldn’t find the words to describe it any other way).
I was talked about behind my back by all my colleagues, and a fair few of my friends didn’t have time for me anymore. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, and tears streaming down my face was the norm.
I went on holiday (you can see my previous blog about my trip) and it made me feel lighter, almost myself again. I thought as a result I was over whatever had been eating the inside of me. But it came back.
I realised I hadn’t told my family, and I decided it was time, because I knew that although I’d told my friends and they’d abandoned me, my family wouldn’t. I got as far as telling Ellen, but that was awkward and so I didn’t tell my parents.
I’ve always struggled with my personality not being quite everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t make myself particularly popular. I’ve always been a nerd. Working really hard at school, finding my own pace at Uni and now working super hard in what everyone else considers a stop-gap job. Their job is a means to an end, my job is my passion. People don’t get me and my logic. And for a while, I felt like that was the end of the world, well, the end of my world.
I’ve felt, and this was totally subconscious and I used to laugh at it in He’s Just Not That Into You… Girls love drama. I thought ‘Pah! Not this girl!’ Wrong! I loved being the centre of attention and if there was no drama in my life I felt like my life was a little worthless. I can only say this in hindsight, mind.
People hating me, loving me so much they were driven to copying every inch of my life. Well, you know what? Since I somehow pulled out of the depression, my life has been totally event less. I’m a supporting character in everyone else’s lives. And I’m cool with that.
As my blog title states, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. But that’s not without caveats. I’m not certain the depression will never return. I don’t know what made it go away to be honest. But this blog is to tell everyone that I’m just fine. And to say to my friends who stuck by me through all this rubbish, a huge thank you. It wasn’t fun for me, and I needed you. Thank you for sticking around.