I’ve been telling myself that the reason I’m not blogging at the moment is because I have something I really want to write about but don’t know how to write it, I’m still researching, I need to do it right etc etc
But that’s not the reason. The reason I’m not blogging is because I’m scared to inspect what’s going on inside my head too closely.
I was involved in an incident 3 years ago which changed my life. It ruined my back, sent me spiralling into depression, gave me panic attacks – and now a new feature of flash backs. It sucks. A lot.
There are days (and unfortunately there are more than a few) when I wish it was over – I could just stop existing, stop feeling the pain that I’m destined to have for the rest of my life, stop feeling so empty and on edge at the same time.
So why am I writing this? Just because misery loves company? Not quite. Because I think maybe someone else out there feels this way, and like me, doesn’t want to say it out loud because it’s scary.
Well I have a theory – if the universe tells you something 3 times, it means it. I’ve just read A Christmas Carol and the 3 ghosts visit Scrooge, so I figure 3 is a magic number.
Now, I love browsing Instagram and one of my favourite people in the world (going back to before Instagram was a thing) is Drew Barrymore. I love her natural look, her effortless cool and her ruby lips. When I was a kid, I wanted to be her… it was a sad day when I realised you couldn’t grow up to be other people.
Recently she posted two photos. I couldn’t believe that she did – and it’s made me love her even more. The fact that she has the balls to do it, is something I never would.
Sister – I can relate. And seeing your tear stained face makes me feel just a smidge more okay about my own tear stained face.
Like I said before, I don’t like or want to talk about these things, but holding onto it has been eating my soul up. Which feels as horrible as it sounds. But I happen to have a couple of friends who I can talk to about this stuff – whether they’ve gone through it themselves, or because they’re sympathetic, empathetic and lovely – I have some quality friends.
I was messaging one of them, saying I just want to sausage roll myself (where I’m the sausage and my duvet is the pastry) and cancel everything (including my holiday to my favourite place). And he said he knew exactly how I feel, and I should do it – sausage roll myself coz it sounds awesome. And if I want to cancel my holiday, I should. But I should take it one step at a time.
He gave me the same advice as Ross gives Chandler when he freaks out about marrying Monica – just take it one step at a time. Just watch something that you love and fall asleep. See how you feel in the morning. Get back to Guildford and see how you are then. Sausage roll yourself and order in. Just keep a gauge of how you’re doing. You don’t have to go to Edinburgh, you don’t have to do anything.
So I put on Big Bang Theory, wrapped myself up and slept. I headed back to Guildford, ordered in, wrapped myself up, and binge watched a new series on Netflix.
I felt a bit better – a bit more me. So I carried on my plans for my trip. And now I’m sat here typing this from a hotel room in exotic Edinburgh.
So the third sign? My ghost of Christmas yet to come? Instagram again. Whilst waiting at baggage reclaim, I was scrolling (as you do) and I stumbled across this:
It’s a solid point – so I started doing it.
I don’t want to go on the trip I booked… SO WHAT?
I failed to get my work done before Christmas… SO WHAT?
I overthink to the point of exhaustion. I constantly feel like I’m failing at least one person, usually at least many. I convince myself I’m unattractive, unwanted and unwelcome. But instead of feeding myself poisoned words and thoughts, I need to stop them and finish them with SO WHAT?
So I write this not for myself… it’s been difficult to write it and I’m already feeling squeamish about hitting ‘Publish’. I don’t write this to tell you how I’m feeling and how I’m struggling, because I’d rather suffer in silence than share my feelings.
I write this for you – the person who is also suffering in silence and feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Just know it’s okay not to be okay. Treat yourself how you deserve to be treated (and you deserve to be treated like a million dollars – make no mistake of that). And it’s okay to cancel things, or to not be perfect… no one is, so why are you expecting that much from yourself.
You’re not going to be okay overnight. But with the right friends, and the right support in place (whether that’s medication, sick leave and/or therapy) you will be your best self in time. But it’s a journey, and this is a rough patch – everyone’s journeys contain them.
Maybe I’ll work out how to word the blog I want to write, the one I’m still researching… but not today. This will have to do for now.